Launch Anxiety

Should I Make My Teens Attend Family Holiday Gatherings?

Thu, 04 Sep 2025 19:52:13 GMT

Should I Make My Teens Attend Family Holiday Gatherings?

The Question Parents Ask Me Every Holiday Season

Every single year around the holidays, I hear the same question from the worried, well-meaning parents in my office:

"Do I have to make my teen come to family holiday gatherings? Should I force them to show up?"

And every single year I give the same answer: it depends.

I know that sounds like a cop-out, I hate when people tell me that too. Luckily, what it depends on is largely in your control as a parent. Parenting during the teen years can feel so messy, in large part because the job of a teenager is to be intense in all sorts of ways - and part of that intensity is a push-pull of sometimes contradictory wants and needs.

Sometimes your teen wants you to toss them the car keys and act like they’re 40, and sometimes they are begging you to bring them a cup of water like they’re 3 years old and can’t possibly get it for themselves.

The teen years are a roller coaster of ups and downs, of feeling grown up and acting immature, of wanting space and needing security. Teens want to be independent and differentiate from their families…while also deep down, desperately wanting to still belong.

The holidays throw gasoline on that fire. You’ve got extended family expectations, cultural traditions, personal values, maybe religious beliefs, and your teen’s newfound need for independence all colliding in one crowded living room that smells like cinnamon rolls and tension.

So, should you make your teen attend? My short, blunt answer: no, not in the way you think.

You can’t strong-arm a teen into meaningful family connection. You can build the kind of relationship where your teen wants to participate—even if it’s just for a little while. That groundwork starts way before Pumpkin Spice Lattes roll back into town.

Let’s break this down.

Why Teens Push Back on Holiday Gatherings

First, let’s normalize what’s happening here. If your teen is resisting or outright refusing to go to family gatherings, it doesn’t automatically mean they’re disrespectful, lazy, antisocial, or rejecting you. More often than not, it means they’re:

1. Exhausted

The holidays come right when school stress is peaking. Finals, projects, sports, social drama. Then you add holiday chaos on top of it? Yeah, they’re fried.

2. Differentiating

This is the developmental task of adolescence. They have to separate from you in order to become themselves. That means saying no to some things you love. Or things they’ve always loved in the past too.

3. Overstimulated

Crowded rooms, relatives asking a million personal questions, the pressure to “perform” socially. It’s a lot. Especially for a teen who isn’t sure what their next steps are.

4. Prioritizing Peers

Friends, crushes, and social circles take center stage in adolescence. It’s not a rejection of family, it’s brain wiring.

5. Needing Control

Teens are told what to do in almost every area of life. Pushing back on holiday plans is often one of the few levers they can pull.

Once you see it through this lens, their resistance makes a lot more sense.

A Little Goes A Long Way

Here’s the good news: you don’t actually need your teen to be the perfect family holiday participant.

As a parent, it’s easy to feel like you’re failing if your teen isn’t singing carols with Grandma or playing board games with their cousins until midnight. But I want you to take a deep breath and remember this:

A little goes a long way.

If your teen shows up for an hour, sits politely through dinner, takes their plate to the kitchen, and then retreats to scroll TikTok in the guest bedroom - that counts. That’s participation. That’s connection.

Stop aiming for all in and start appreciating good enough.

Building the Relationship BEFORE the Holidays

Here’s the part most parents don’t want to hear: whether your teen participates happily in holiday gatherings has almost nothing to do with the event itself.

It has to do with the relationship you’ve been building all year long.

Do your teens feel respected and heard in your home?
Do you give them some agency in decisions that affect them?
Do you make space for their interests, even if they’re not your thing?
Do you acknowledge that their world (friends, music, online communities) matters as much to them as your world (traditions, extended family, cultural rituals) matters to you?

If the answer is yes, you’ve been planting the seeds of cooperation. That’s what makes a teen more willing to compromise.

If the answer is no, you may find yourself in a power struggle come December. And let me tell you: forcing a sullen, resistant teen into Grandma’s living room rarely ends with holiday magic.

The Power of Compromise

Compromise is your best friend during the holidays. Here are some examples of how this might look in real life:

Time limits: “Come for dinner and dessert. After that, you can go hang with your friends.”

Bring a friend: Let them invite someone along. Yes, it might feel weird at first, but most extended families secretly love it when teens bring friends. It lightens the mood, gives your kid an anchor, and honestly, it’s way better than dragging them there solo while they sulk. Friends often are more verbal about appreciating your family’s traditions too. Pretend it’s like the friend is your teen’s spokesperson.

Alternate plans: “Come to Christmas Eve with us, and then you can skip Christmas morning brunch if you need to recharge.”

Flexible expectations: If they need to retreat after a while, let them. Adults do this too, by the way. We just call it “taking a nap” or “going for a walk.” My entire family is famous for everyone bringing two cars to each event - there’s always one adult who needs to head home before the other is ready!

Let them decide: “You choose what we do together on Christmas Eve, it just matters to me that we do something together.”

What Not to Do

Alright, let me get blunt here. Parents mess this up in a few predictable ways. Please, for the love of peppermint bark, don’t do these:

Don’t guilt-trip. Telling your kid they’re “ruining the holidays” will not make them feel closer to you. It will make them resentful.

Don’t compare. “Your cousin Sara is always so cheerful!” Yeah, and your kid just heard, “I wish you were someone else.”

Don’t force performance. Don’t shove them into a talent show for Grandma or demand they wear matching sweaters if that’s not their vibe. If they’re showing up, let them show up exactly as they are.

Don’t make it about your reputation. Stop worrying about what Aunt Linda thinks. Aunt Linda can deal. If Aunt Linda can’t remember what it’s like to be a teenager, then… well. She needs more Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice.

Recognizing Differentiation as Healthy

One of the hardest things about parenting teens is realizing that their resistance is healthy.

When they roll their eyes at traditions you hold dear, it stings. But it’s not a moral failure, it’s individuation. They’re figuring out who they are apart from you. That’s supposed to happen.

The more you can accept this, the less defensive you’ll feel, and the easier it will be to meet them halfway.

Sidebar: they’ll come back around. If you and your teenager can navigate these years in a healthy way…9 times out of 10 as they get older they’ll start looking at the family traditions fondly again. They might want to revisit things they haven’t done since they were little. They might become invested in creating an experience for younger family members, or take some ownership over part of the ritual.

When to Hold the Line

Now, some parents are probably thinking, “Okay, Roya, but are you saying my kid just gets to opt out of everything?”

No. Expectations still matter. There are times when you hold the line, not because you’re trying to control your teen, but because you’re teaching them how to be part of a family, or because it’s important to the family as a whole and it’s bigger than their individual, momentary want.

For example:

Safety issues: They don’t get to skip out on the one driver in the snowstorm because they don’t feel like coming.

Core values: If your family is religious and attending a holiday service is non-negotiable for you, you can require attendance, but still allow compromise on how long they stay or what else they participate in.

Basic respect: They don’t get to swear at Grandma, slam cabinets, or ruin the day for everyone else. To me, this is part of the conversation of their whole lives. “I know you don’t love sitting at the dining room table, but it’s important to Grandma, and it’s a gift you can give to her and all of us. I appreciate you doing this for someone else even when it’s not your first choice.”

Think of it as, “We all show up in some way. What that looks like can be flexible.”

Real-Life Scenarios Parents Face

Scenario 1: The Sulking Teen

You manage to get your 15-year-old to the family party, but as soon as you walk in the door, they park themselves on the couch, hoodie up, scrolling on their phone. You feel embarrassed. Aunt Linda gives you that look .

What to do: Let them be. This is participation. They showed up. They’re in the room. That’s enough. Don’t make it a bigger deal. You set the tone of being light and accepting abut it, and Aunt Linda will fall in line. Or she’ll look like the rude one if she comments. You find security and conviction and don’t let yourself get rattled.

Scenario 2: The “I’d Rather Be With My Friends” Battle

Your 17-year-old wants to skip Christmas dinner entirely because their friends are having a party.

What to do: Compromise. “You need to come to dinner because that is really important to me, but after dinner is over you can go meet up with your friends. In fact, you should take them some dessert.”

Scenario 3: The Teen Who Wants to Bring a Friend

Your 14-year-old asks if their best friend can tag along to Grandma’s. You’re worried it will change the family vibe.

What to do: Say yes. Your teen will be more relaxed, more willing to participate, and honestly, Grandma might love the extra kid at the table.

Scenario 4: The Teen Who Opts Out Entirely

Your 16-year-old says they’re not coming to Christmas morning breakfast at all.

What to do: Decide if this is a hill worth dying on. Figure out if there are creative compromises or ways you can make it more bearable for them. Be curious about their resistance, and be open about how much it matters to you. Maybe you say: “It means a lot to me to have you there with us for the beginning of the day, but if you want to skip the rest of it that’s fine with me.”

Sample Scripts You Can Use

Sometimes you just need the words. Here are some simple, non-guilt-trippy phrases you can try:

“I want you with us, even just for a little while.”

“You don’t have to stay the whole time. Dinner and dessert is enough.”

“I get that you want to be with your friends. Let’s figure out how to make both work.”

“You can bring a friend. We’ll make room.”

“It matters to me that you show up, but it doesn’t have to be perfect.”

“I know this isn’t your favorite thing. Thanks for trying—I notice.”

“Thank you for being here with me. I love when you’re around.”

“I’m glad you picked this [non-traditional way to spend this time.] What matters to me is you, not the event.”

Reframing Success

I want you to ask yourself: what does success actually look like for your family this holiday season?

Is it really about your teen attending every single gathering, smiling in every single picture, and expressing gratitude to every single relative? Or is it about maintaining connection, honoring traditions, and creating space for everyone to feel seen?

Because here’s the truth: ten years from now, you’ll barely remember whether your teen spent three hours or thirty minutes at Grandma’s house. But you will remember whether you spent the whole holiday fighting about it. And so will they.

A Personal Note

I’ll be blunt: holidays can be emotionally loaded for me, too. As a therapist, I can sit here and preach perspective, but I’m also a mom. I have three kids, and I care deeply about traditions. I’ve had my moments of wanting to scream: “Why can’t you just show up and pretend to enjoy this for once?”

But every time I remember that my job isn’t to control them, it’s to build a family culture where they want to belong , the tension eases.

The best gift you can give yourself this season is letting go of the fantasy of perfect participation.

Final Thoughts

So, should you make your teens attend family holiday gatherings?

My answer: set up the kind of relationship where you don’t have to make them.

Accept that a little goes a long way.

Compromise and get creative.

Respect their differentiation.

Let them bring a friend.

Stop caring what Aunt Linda thinks.

Hold the line only where it truly matters.

Make it enjoyable for them when they do participate!

Your teen may not love every minute of the holidays, but if you play this right, they’ll look back someday and remember that you cared more about them than about appearances.

And that, my friends, is what family is actually about.

Want More Support?

If this resonated with you, I’d love to keep supporting you beyond this blog. Parenting teens through the launch years (that tricky time between dependence and independence) is a whole journey.

I’ve created a free resource just for parents like you: A Parent’s Guide to Navigating Launch Anxiety.

It’s a 40-page workbook full of exercises, tools, and strategies to help you stay connected while giving your teen the independence they need.

Click below to download your free copy and join my email list.

The holidays aren’t the only time this shows up, and you don’t have to do it alone.

What to Do If You Think Your Teen Is Being Emotionally Manipulated by a Friend

Tue, 29 Oct 2024 01:02:31 GMT

what to do if I think my teen is being emotionally manipulated by a friend?

As a parent, it's distressing to see your teen struggle in their friendships, especially if you suspect they're being emotionally manipulated.

Emotional manipulation involves one person exerting control over another through psychological tactics, often leaving the victim feeling confused, guilty, or fearful. The person doing the manipulation isn’t always totally aware or an evil person either, which is what can make this so complicated. This type of manipulation can be particularly harmful to teens, who are still developing their sense of identity and self-worth.

In this blog post, we'll explore signs of emotional manipulation, how to approach the situation, and steps you can take to support your teen. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist, and a huge number of my teen clients struggle with knowing what to look for in a friendship that might mean they’re being manipulated or exploited by their so-called-friends.

Recognizing Signs of Emotional Manipulation

Emotional manipulation can be subtle and challenging to identify.

One of the biggest red flags I look out for as a therapist is when my client feels like they are the "only ones" who can help their friend. If they feel solely responsible for their friend's well-being, if they feel like the friend will be alone if they don't answer the call, if they say (without any other substantive proof) that the friend's parents are awful or abusive and so they can't talk to them, or if that friend has no other support systems in their life -- then that's too much responsibility for your teenager.

In addition to that huge sign that there is an imbalance in the relationship, here are some common signs that your teen may be experiencing manipulation from a friend:

Common Signs that your Teen may be Manipulated by a Friend:

Guilt-Tripping: The friend frequently makes your teen feel guilty for not spending enough time with them or not doing things their way.

Isolation: The friend tries to isolate your teen from other friends or family members, making them feel like they must choose between relationships.

Blame Shifting: The friend rarely takes responsibility for their actions and blames your teen for any problems or misunderstandings.

Gaslighting: The friend distorts the truth or denies events, causing your teen to doubt their own memories and feelings.

Excessive Flattery or Criticism: The friend alternates between excessive praise and harsh criticism, keeping your teen off-balance and seeking their approval.

Conditional Support: The friend's support is conditional on your teen meeting certain expectations or demands, creating a sense of obligation.

How to Approach the Situation

If you suspect that your teen is being emotionally manipulated, it's important to approach the situation with care and sensitivity. Here are some steps to consider:

1. Observe and Gather Information

Before confronting your teen, observe their behavior and interactions with the friend. Look for patterns or changes in mood, behavior, and social interactions. Gathering information will help you understand the situation better and provide specific examples when discussing your concerns. This doesn't mean snoop, invade their privacy, or ask their friends. Be respectful, but watch and stay curious.

2. Create a Safe Space for Conversation

Choose a calm and private moment to talk to your teen about your observations. Create a safe space where they feel comfortable sharing their feelings without fear of judgment or punishment. Start the conversation by expressing your concern for their well-being, and by stating an observation that does not have any of your own thoughts or feelings behind it. For example, just simply (lightly, succinctly) make an observation like, "I've noticed you seem like you are more stressed after you spend time with [friend's name] lately," or, "Seems like [friend's name] has been calling you after dinner a lot lately." If your teen is open to it, you can add your own feelings, but remember it's your feeling. Something like, "I noticed after you hang out with [friend's name] you seem to need a break from other people. I'm worried that you seem stressed out."

Pro tip: a great time for this conversation is on a car ride! Take them to get coffee or their favorite treat, or even just to do an errand. Sometimes conversations with your teens happen better when no one has to make eye contact and everyone knows there's a limited time frame. If the conversation is going well...then take the long way home without saying anything!

3. Listen Without Judgment

When your teen opens up, listen attentively and without interruption. Avoid criticizing the friend or dismissing your teen's feelings. Instead, ask open-ended questions that encourage them to reflect on the friendship and their emotions. This approach helps your teen feel heard and respected. Your teen is on their friend's side. You're on your teen's side, which means you need to be on the friend's side too - at least at the start. Dismissing or disparaging the friend will immediately put you on opposite teams1

4. Encourage Self AND Community Care

Encourage your teen to engage in self-care activities that promote mental and emotional well-being. This could include hobbies, exercise, journaling, or spending time with supportive friends and family. Self-care helps them maintain a positive mindset and regain their confidence. I hope this has been happening long before this particular friendship - as we need recreation and leisure time to be fulfilled and happy people. Support the things your teens are interested in!

Supporting their self-care hobbies also helps provide an important second piece which is: community care. Ideally your teen does not have all their social eggs in this one friendship basket. Help your teen participate in their communities so that they have many examples of friendships and many opportunities for connection. This will help combat the ability for the friend to manipulate them from the very beginning.

5. Be Patient and Respect Their Choices

Changing or ending a manipulative friendship can be challenging for teens, especially if they feel a strong attachment to the friend. Be patient and respect their decisions, even if they choose to maintain the friendship. Continue to offer guidance and support, helping them navigate the complexities of relationships. Remember - even if it takes years for them to realize what's happening, they are going to need you at the end of it. Your job is to keep the door between you and your teen open no matter what.

Discovering that your teen may be experiencing emotional manipulation from a friend can be a challenging experience for both of you.

By approaching the situation with empathy, patience, and support, you can help your teen recognize manipulation tactics and develop the skills to establish healthy boundaries. Encourage them to cultivate positive friendships and practice self-care, and consider seeking professional help if needed. Ultimately, your guidance and understanding can empower your teen to make informed choices and build healthier, more supportive relationships.

For practical advice navigating these types of challenging relationships and more - download my free parenting guide here!

30+ pages of ideas, inspiration, and solution-focused exercises for parents of teenagers.

Should I Cook for My Teens or Should They Cook for Themselves?

Tue, 22 Oct 2024 22:58:57 GMT

Should I be cooking for my teenager, or should they start cooking for themselves?

As a therapist who works with teens, I get this question from parents all the time:

“Should I still be cooking for my teenager, or should they start cooking for themselves?” My annoying answer? Both. Let me explain.

Your Teen Needs Life Skills (and Feeding Themselves is a Big One)

We all know that eventually, your teen will need to fend for themselves. Whether they’re heading off to college, getting a job, or just taking on more responsibility around the house, feeding themselves is one of those basic life skills they have to learn.

Please note that I said learning to FEED themselves - not necessarily to cook for themselves! This is one area that I feel like we sometimes stay a little stuck in the past. We feel like our kids need to learn how to be chefs before they can go off to college - which really isn’t true.

I am a big believer that fed is best…even into teenage and adult years. There are a lot of different ways to make sure your teen knows how to feed themselves, and those are the important lessons to impart while they’re still under your roof!

Cooking might be part of that, but as a licensed therapist who works with teens and their parents, I think we need to take a step back and remember what the goal is: happiness and health. That can come in a lot of different forms.

So let’s help our teens develop some independent living skills through food while they’re still living with you. They have a low-stakes environment perfect for learning!

It’s Not About Making Them Self-Sufficient Overnight

No one’s saying your teen should suddenly become a gourmet chef and cook dinner for the whole family every night. But if they’re inching closer to adulthood and still can’t procure food for themselves, then it’s time to step up the food-focus. Like I said before - this can look like cooking a simple meal for themselves, being able to sign up for a meal delivery service, or understanding the pros and cons of eating out for every meal.

Parents: it's important to remember that just like how we don't go to Blockbuster anymore, or watch basic cable now that we have streaming services...how we get food has changed since we were teens as well. Make sure you're helping them with up-to-date skills, not staying stuck in your past!

I personally love to cook - special occasion food. Feeding myself and my family every day can get boring. But having the skills to prepare a favorite food, treat my family, or have friends over to celebrate is definitely a confidence booster. If you can approach cooking as a gift that can keep on giving, your teen might have more success than if it feels like a dire, pressure-filled life or death situation.

Why Cooking for Themselves Builds Confidence

Cooking is more than just a practical skill—it’s also a confidence booster.

There’s something empowering about knowing you can create a meal from scratch, even if it’s something simple. It gives teens a sense of control, and let’s face it, teenagers need to feel some control over their lives during this chaotic stage.

When they successfully make a meal, they see the immediate result of their efforts, which is way more satisfying than most things they do (like schoolwork or chores that never seem to end). This sense of accomplishment can help build their self-esteem, which is crucial for their overall mental health.

When I’m working with adults (or teens) on accomplishing big goals, I often use cooking a favorite meal as a metaphor. What’s the goal? Let’s say it’s to cook a birthday dinner for your best friend. Okay, now what are the steps we need to accomplish that? What are the tasks we need to do, and what is the timeline for those tasks? Who do we need to ask for help? What resources will we be calling on? What skills do we need to learn? It’s such a great way to visualize accomplishing something you aspire to.

It doesn’t need to just be a metaphor - choosing a favorite meal to replicate, or cooking for some sort of celebration can be downright joyful.

I hope that you are able to impart that sort of enjoyment to this task. If you want your teen to cook for themselves, then start now by making it enjoyable.

Set the scene. Create ambiance. Play music, be lighthearted. Make it an attractive activity. You might be teaching them how to scramble eggs or roll out pie crust, but you’re also teaching them how to nurture and care for themselves and others. You’re providing a sweet moment for the two of you as well. Those are every bit as valuable as the lessons related to food.

But Should You Stop Cooking for Them?

Here’s where it gets tricky. Should you completely stop cooking for your teens? Nope, not at all. Parenting teens is all about balance, and this is no different.

Cooking is still one of the simplest, most nurturing things you can do as a parent. It’s one way you show love. So yes, there will be times when you still cook for them. Think of it as an act of care rather than something you’re obligated to do.

And remember - we are trying to show them that there are lots of paths to one peak, right? Figuring out what food to order, when to just eat cereal instead of a whole cooked meal…that’s all part of the task of feeding yourself. You can include your teenager in this process in a lot of ways short of just cutting them off and saying, “fend for yourself.” Include them in the process, it’s not an on-off switch that once they can cook pasta, you never cook for them again.

Set Some Expectations: It’s Time for Shared Responsibility…Kind of.

Lots of other parenting resources out there suggest that you split the responsibility. They say that you as the parent can cook sometimes, but your teen should be stepping up too. Maybe by starting small—having them cook one meal a week. Maybe they take over breakfast or lunch. I like this in practicality, but not in principle.

I don’t think it’s ultimately about just handing over the reins. I think that you’re fostering something deeper - independence, but also community. We break bread together, as humans. Eating and food have long been a part of what connects us. To pretend like it’s an entirely independent act takes some of the flavor out of it, I think.

So share the responsibility, but I bet you can do it in an organic way that doesn’t make them worry or feel pressure. I bet you can get them involved with brainstorming, with experimenting, with nurturing.

What About the "I Don’t Know How to Cook" Excuse?

If your teen immediately stresses out and says, “But I don’t know how to cook” then this is a great reminder for you as a parent that they are SCARED. They are worried that they don’t have what it takes to be an adult.

You can (nicely) remind them that there were times when they didn’t know a lot of things - like how to tie their shoes, ride a bike, or use the remote - but they learned. Remind them that we aren’t born knowing how to saute, fry, bake or barbecue. We weren’t born knowing how to speak or walk either. You created fun learning environments where your toddler felt safe taking their first wobbly steps, and that’s what you can do for your teenager when they feel wobbly too.

Are you comfortable cooking? You don’t need to be Gordon Ramsay to teach your teen the basics, and if you aren’t super skilled, there’s no reason you and your teen can’t learn together. There are so many cooking shows on YouTube and TikTok available to learn most things. The resources are endless. HAVE FUN.

Final Thoughts: Cooking Is About More Than Food

Cooking isn’t just about the food itself—it’s about independence, responsibility, and building confidence. So, the answer to “Should I cook for my teens or should they cook for themselves?” is: Yes? Both. Neither. Yes.

Cook for them when it makes sense and feels right, but make sure you’re giving them opportunities to learn. They can either learn that feeding themselves is stressful and boring and to be avoided… or that feeding themselves can be nurturing, fun, interesting, and come in a lot of different methods.

Enjoy!

For practical advice navigating the challenging lift off to adulthood, download my free parenting guide here!

30+ pages of ideas, inspiration, and solution-focused exercises for parents of teenagers.

My Teenager Thinks the World Is Depressing — How Can I Give Them Hope?

Wed, 16 Oct 2024 18:58:19 GMT

If you've got a teen at home who is constantly saying the world is depressing, you're not alone.

Between the natural disasters, election coverage, school shootings, and general angst and ennui, it’s no wonder many young people are feeling overwhelmed. But as a parent, it’s tough to hear. You want to fix it, give them hope, and help them see the bright side. So, how can you do that when they’re feeling so down?

Acknowledge Their Feelings (Don’t Brush Them Off)

First things first, don’t dismiss their feelings by saying, “It’s not that bad,” or “You’ll grow out of it.” That doesn’t work. Teens are smart, and their feelings are real. They know when their world feels bleak, and they need you to acknowledge that.

They can also spot in-authenticity from a mile away. It might feel uncomfortable, but say something like, “Yeah, it does seem tough right now, and I can see why you feel that way.”

Validating their emotions shows you’re listening, and it builds trust. It also opens the door for them to keep sharing instead of shutting down.

Encourage Real Conversations About What’s Bothering Them

Teens are bombarded with negative news all the time—whether it’s about politics, climate change, or social issues. Sometimes, they don’t even fully understand what’s upsetting them; they just know it feels like everything is spiraling. Have you ever had that feeling - you can’t pinpoint a single thing that’s wrong exactly, but everything seems heavy or hard? As a parent, try to dive deeper.

Ask them:

“What specifically is worrying you?”

“Do you feel like there’s something you can’t control?”

“What part of the future seems the scariest to you?”

Once you get more specific, you can help them break things down and focus on smaller, manageable steps. If they’re overwhelmed by the state of the world, maybe there’s a local initiative they can get involved with, or maybe you can talk about ways to make a difference in their own life.

Help Them Find Purpose

Feeling powerless is often at the root of hopelessness. Teens want to feel like they have some control over their lives and the world around them. Helping them find a sense of purpose can be a game changer.

Encourage them to get involved in causes they care about, whether that’s environmental activism, social justice, or something creative. Purpose isn’t just about career goals—it’s about finding something that makes them feel like they’re contributing. When they feel like they can make even a small impact, the world feels a little less dark.

Sidebar: If getting outside in the world and dealing with people feels like too big a step for a kid who is struggling with anxiety and overwhelm…I’d like to suggest literally putting controls in their hands. PLAY VIDEO GAMES. I’m not kidding. Playing games helps us build optimism, resourcefulness, look for ways we can impact change, and helps us feel more in control!

Discuss Screen Time & Media

I’d like to make it very clear that I am not saying to limit their screen time, or for you as their parent, to impose any sort of rule that prevents them accessing their media. But I want you to talk about their media intake the same way you’d talk about food intake for yourself.

What feels like "junk food," versus something that feels more nutritious? What feels like a once in a while treat, versus a healthy staple? What might make their stomach hurt, or need to be on pause for a little while? What do we eat (or watch, or consume) when we want comfort? How is what we are consuming serving us? Help your teen become conscious about their sense of doom and gloom as a direct result of what kind of content they are consuming – this includes social media, YouTube, TV, books, music, and more.

Note: If you are not saying, “Social media is bad STOP” then it allows you to be on their team and help them brainstorm ways they can consume in a healthier way. So make sure you’re in partnership with them on this one! And remember - most of us have to actually eat to the point of stomachache to learn better next time, the same is true for media consumption.

Show Them Hope Through Action

Teens might be cynical, but they’re not immune to optimism. The best way to inspire hope is through action. You don’t need to give them a big speech about how “things will get better,” because, let’s face it, sometimes they might not. Instead, show them how people are creating change, even in small ways. Point out community helpers, everyday kindness, and local activism. Help them see that not everyone is sitting back and accepting things as they are.

Maybe it’s time to step up your own volunteer game, show them first hand how you use active contribution to help you feel like you are a part of something bigger.

Focus on Their Strengths

Teens often feel like they don’t matter, that they’re just drifting through life. A huge way to help them feel hopeful is to remind them of their strengths.

Maybe they’re a talented artist, a great listener, or have a passion for science. Whatever their thing is, lean into it. Help them build on their strengths and remind them that they have something valuable to contribute, even if the world feels overwhelming.

Pro tip: these strengths are to be found in whatever they are interested in, so make sure you are spending lots of time with your teen doing things they love to do, even if they feel silly.

Be Honest About Your Own Struggles

It’s easy to think you need to put on a brave face for your teen, but honesty can be refreshing. If you’ve had moments where you’ve felt down about the state of the world, share that with them. Tell them how you managed to find hope or make peace with uncertainty. It humanizes you and shows them that even adults struggle, but you can still find a way to move forward.

Please note, as a therapist - I don't tend to advocate giving examples of depressing situations *without* the piece where you made meaning from it, persevered til you found a solution, or figured out that you had more strength than you realized. Make sure you're giving the full picture to your teen - the struggle AND the work to find a solution.

Offer Professional Help When Needed

Sometimes, even with all your support, your teen may still struggle to find hope. And that’s okay. It’s not a reflection of your parenting. If their sadness or hopelessness seems like it’s too much for either of you to handle, it might be time to bring in a therapist. Having an outside perspective can help them navigate these feelings in a healthy way. There’s no shame in getting help when it’s needed. Click here to find out more about my online therapy services for teens and their parents.

For teens who are resistant to traditional therapy: try my online art and writing group for teens. No pressure to show up on camera, open-ended art prompts designed to help them know themselves better and better.

Final Thoughts: You Don’t Have to Have All the Answers

Your teen may be feeling overwhelmed by how tough the world seems, but you don’t need to fix everything. What they really need is to know that you’re there, that you see them, and that they’re not alone in feeling this way. By offering validation, helping them find purpose, and leading by example, you’re already giving them more hope than you realize.

And remember, it’s okay to admit that sometimes the world is tough. But by facing it together, you’re showing them that there’s always a way forward—even when things feel dark.

For practical advice navigating the challenging lift off to adulthood, download my free parenting guide here!

30+ pages of ideas, inspiration, and solution-focused exercises for parents of teenagers.

Anxiety During the Teen Years: Resources for Parents

Tue, 27 Aug 2024 21:39:14 GMT

Anxiety in kids and teenagers is rising.

1 in 3 kids will experience an anxiety disorder.

They've also got tremendous amounts of world...STUFF to navigate. So it makes sense if your kiddo is dealing with stress, pressure, or overwhelm!

This is a collection of resources from licensed therapist Roya Dedeaux from a playful parenting approach.

This list is designed to give you and your teens tools to help deal with anxiety. There are resources for social anxiety, worry about the future, and even tools for parents who are anxious about their kids.

This resource list has webinars, games, and books for parents of teenagers!

Scroll to see the list!

t ools for teens with anxiety

Sign up below and your 40+ page downloadable workbook for parents will be delivered to your inbox!

More tools for parents of teens

Now that we've explored some of the key components for parents trying to help their teenagers through boundary pushing behavior, check out your own FREE Parenting Guide to Navigating the Lift Off to Adulthood!

How to "Show, Not Tell" Your Teens That You Believe in Them

Mon, 05 Aug 2024 18:51:41 GMT

"actions speak louder than words."

How many times have you heard that expression?

As a parent, expressing belief in your teen's potential and abilities is crucial for their confidence and self-esteem. However, actions often speak louder than words. While telling your teen you believe in them is important, consistently demonstrating this belief through your actions can have a more profound and lasting impact. In this blog post, we’ll explore practical ways to "show, not tell" your teen that you believe in them, fostering a supportive and empowering environment.

A little note from your friendly neighborhood therapist - you have to genuinely believe in them for any of this to work.

Teens are like the best detective private investigators with a highly tuned sense of interpersonal dynamics - they are hyper aware of when something feels disingenuous AND may be extra attuned to criticism. This combo of super powers means you have to be honest.

Step one will explore how you can take a hard look at whether or not you believe in them before you move on to showing them you do.

ZERO - Examine yourself

Before you rush in to say, “of course I believe in my teen!” Stop for a second and imagine them in a variety of situations. If they were driving and got in a fender bender, do you believe that they could handle themselves in that difficult scenario? What about returning clothes and having a difficult customer service interaction? Getting dumped from their first love? Applying for, interviewing, and training for a new job? If you can’t imagine them moving through those challenges, then there’s a good chance that you want to believe in them, rather than genuinely believing in their abilities as they stand right now.

That’s okay. That’s good information. Don’t ignore that and pretend like you believe in skills you don’t see existing. That’s just information that you need to back up and provide more opportunities for incremental skill building where you can also watch and gather the evidence that your teenager is capable of handling whatever life throws at them.

ONE: Encourage Their Interests and Passions

Supporting your teen’s hobbies and interests is a powerful way to show you believe in them.

Whether they're into sports, music, art, or any other activity, encourage them to pursue their passions. Attend their games, performances, or exhibitions, and show genuine interest in their progress. This not only validates their efforts but also reinforces your belief in their talents and potential.

If you stop reading after this first point, I’d be okay - because as a therapist I genuinely think this is the single most important key to believing in your teens AND showing them that belief!

“But Roya,” I hear you say, “How can supporting my teenager play more Minecraft be the key to showing them I believe in them?”

Let me break that down for you.

A) When you join them in their interest area, you communicate that you trust how they want to spend their time. That’s a powerful message! It shows you trust their choices.

B) The things your teens are into are also the places where they are willing to try the hardest, deal with setbacks in a positive way, and gain new skills.

I’m thinking about a client whose parents were so worried about their son’s lack of work ethic at home - but week after week saw him pursuing new soccer moves, training and building his stamina, and becoming a leader on the field.

Once they realized he was building those characteristics through soccer, it was an easy journey for them to stop being so scared about his future success.

C) It also gives you insight about what their current strengths are and areas they might need some extra support.

If you are watching how creative and imaginative your teen is when they make art, but you realize they aren’t the most assertive communicator when they need new supplies -then you have great information about how to help bolster them up in the future.

TWO: Give them responsibilities

One of the best ways to show your teen that you believe in their abilities is by giving them responsibilities - but hold your chore-list-organization-charts for just a second.

I don’t mean making up a bunch of (relatively) arbitrary tasks and then passing them down to unwilling family members.

I mean including your teenager in the real conversation about what it takes to make your community (household or family) run. Get their real buy-in about what needs to be contributed and what sorts of value they see themselves providing.

There are so many ways to contribute meaningfully and responsibly, and getting them invested from the beginning all the way down to handling the tasks and making decisions is a great way to help them develop a sense of independence and accountability.

THREE: Listen Actively and Empathically

Active listening is a key component of demonstrating belief in your teen. Use your nonverbal communication prowess to show them that you are fully, 100% on their team believing their perspective. When they talk about their experiences, thoughts, or concerns, give them your full attention. Avoid interrupting or offering unsolicited advice. Instead, listen empathically and ask thoughtful questions that encourage them to express themselves. This shows that you value their opinions and trust in their decision-making. If they ask for help or ideas, yay! But don’t assume that’s what they want.

FOUR: Celebrate their achievements, big and small

Acknowledging your teen's achievements, regardless of size, is a great way to show you believe in them - but again, there’s a catch.

Your teen needs to feel like the achievement is worthy of being celebrated as well.

However, how many of you have teens that are embarrassed of everything and don’t want any attention?

That means you need to be creative about how you celebrate their milestones, and match the level of your excitement to the scale of the accomplishment . Don’t throw a parade if they take the trash out of their room, you know?

Celebrate milestones like academic accomplishments, personal growth, or success in extracurricular activities. Praise their effort and dedication, and remind them that their hard work pays off - but these celebrations can be simple, sweet, and sincere. They also don’t need to be public. Maybe you make them a favorite meal, get them a new book in a favorite series, invite them to take them out to ice cream, or send them a text with way too many exclamation marks (!!!!!!!!) Celebrating their achievements reinforces their confidence and motivates them to continue striving for success.

FIVE: Allow them to make mistakes

Believing in your teen also means trusting them to learn from their mistakes. Oh my friends, this is the hard one. We can’t believe only in our teen’s ability to succeed, we also have to believe in their ability to make and recover from mistakes.

I had a ceramics instructor who told us that we should ruin 3/4 of the projects we made in our first semester. She told us that if we didn’t experience a high level of failure, we weren’t being curious enough, we weren’t experimenting enough, and we wouldn’t be learning enough.

Mistakes are inevitable, failure is an important instructor, and we learn so much about ourselves through that process.

Instead of shielding them from failure, allow them to experience and navigate challenges. Offer support and guidance, but resist the urge to intervene immediately. This approach helps them develop resilience and problem-solving skills. By showing that you trust them to handle setbacks, you convey confidence in their ability to grow and improve.

SIX: Set high, but realistic expectations

Setting high, yet realistic, expectations is a tangible way to express your belief in your teen's potential. I don’t mean start each business quarter with a goal that you send in a memo to your teen or anything. I mean, assume that your teen can operate at a certain level.

Here’s a scenario that I see happening a lot as a therapist for teenagers: A teenager is facing a difficult scenario, such as an upcoming medical procedure. A parent, trying to be helpful and compassionate says, “I can make that hard phone call for you!”

But the message that the teen gets is, “I don’t think you are capable of making that call so I have to take over.”

Instead, start with the assumption that your teenager can do the hard thing - and only provide assistance if they try and ask for it. And even then - think of yourself more as a spotter for a gymnast rather than someone who needs to come in and do the whole thing. Add just a light touch of specific support.

SEVEN: Support their independence

As teens grow, they naturally seek more independence. Supporting their desire for autonomy demonstrates your belief in their capabilities.

Allow them to make decisions about their lives, from choosing their extracurricular activities to planning their future. Important: trust it, even if it's not the same decision that you would have made!!!

Trust how they choose to spend their time. Trust who they choose to talk to. Offer guidance when necessary, but encourage them to take the lead. This not only builds their confidence but also shows that you trust their judgment.

EIGHT: Be consistent in your support

Consistency is key in demonstrating belief in your teen. Be there for them during both good times and bad, providing a stable source of support. Whether they're celebrating a success or coping with a disappointment, show up consistently. This reliability reassures them that you believe in their strength and resilience, no matter the circumstances.

NINE: Encourage open communication

Fostering open communication with your teen is another way to show your belief in them. Encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. When they come to you with problems or concerns, respond with understanding and empathy. This openness shows that you respect their perspective and believe in their ability to handle complex emotions and situations.

If you struggle with this, or if they are reluctant to communicate with you - check out this blog post on how to encourage open communication with your teen.

TEN: Model confidence and positivity

Your own behavior serves as a powerful model for your teen. Demonstrate confidence and positivity in your daily life, and show how you approach challenges with resilience and a growth mindset.

By modeling these attitudes, you indirectly teach your teen to adopt a similar outlook. Seeing you navigate life with confidence reinforces their belief that they can do the same.

Another cautionary tale - make sure you share the complete story. It’s counterproductive to only show you figuring out solution after solution without expressing the challenge you started with. It’s equally unhelpful to only discuss the hardships without demonstrating how you find solutions.

In an age-appropriate way, you get to model the whole process to your teens in order to show-not-tell them how confidence and faith in their own ability is a muscle they can exercise, not some magical quality some people are born with and others aren’t.

Showing your teen that you believe in them goes beyond words—it's about consistent actions that reflect your trust and confidence in their abilities. By giving them responsibilities, supporting their interests, listening actively, and encouraging independence, you can foster a positive environment that empowers your teen to thrive. Remember, your belief in them is a cornerstone of their self-esteem and future success. By consistently demonstrating this belief, you help them build the confidence to pursue their dreams and navigate life's challenges with resilience.

For practical advice navigating the challenging lift off to adulthood, download my free parenting guide here!

30+ pages of ideas, inspiration, and solution-focused exercises for parents of teenagers.

Dealing with Your Teen's Reluctance to Share Their Struggles or Seek Support

Mon, 05 Aug 2024 03:00:52 GMT

“How was school today?” “Are you okay?” “Is something wrong?”

Parents. Ever ask your teenager a seemingly innocuous question only to be met with silence, a shrug, or a cold shoulder?

On a normal day, it might be easy to chalk it up to just a teen being a teen. It’s a common enough complaint from parents of teens, however, and is worth taking a closer look at. How do you handle the worry and frustration of your teen’s reluctance to share their struggles with you? How do you help them seek support if they don’t open up?

Understanding the reasons behind their reluctance and knowing how to encourage open communication can make a significant difference.

In this blog post we will explore effective strategies to help you connect with your teen and encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings.

ONE: Remember that it's (probably) not about you.

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again - take a good, thorough moment to remind yourself first that your teen’s hesitancy to share their struggles might not have anything to do with you.

Even if it is a direct reaction to your parenting behavior, it’s important to start by taking your own feelings out of the equation and remembering what it is like to be a teen.

There could be lots of reasons for their guarded behavior.

Fear of judgment:

Do you remember how stressed out you used to be over how someone else viewed you? I remember spending an hour agonizing over wearing the wrong pair of shoes to a concert where we were packed so tightly that no one could even see any feet! Teens may be worried about being judged or criticized by their parents or peers. Being a teen means feeling things keenly. There’s a good chance they are protecting themselves from any further criticism.

Desire for independence:

Cut your teen a little slack for this one - it is sort of their developmental job to try to become more independent. Even the most connected teenager can feel like they are supposed to figure things out on their own instead of relying on their mom or dad. Teens are trying to assert their autonomy, but don’t always have the perspective or wisdom to know when and when not to share important information, thoughts, or feelings.

Embarrassment:

Have you ever been pressured to share how you’re feeling…and you really just don’t want to admit what’s going on in your head? If your teenager is feeling shame or embarrassment about their feelings, how they acted, or about a situation they’ve gotten tangled up in, they might want to keep that quiet.

Lack of trust:

If there has been a breach of trust between you in the past, your teen might be extra wary of opening up to you again. They might also be worried about sharing someone else’s information - maybe a friend asked them not to say anything and they feel like it’s not their story to share. Their friend doesn’t necessarily trust you, and so they stay quiet as well.

Articulation is exertion:

Sometimes the work between experiencing a feeling and being able to verbally explain that feeling is just too much.

Maybe your teen really doesn’t know how to answer, “is everything okay?” because they don’t have the words or understanding yet. It’s not simple and they don’t have the language for it yet.

Parents, take a few minutes and remember that all this and more could be running through your teenager’s head at any given moment that they seem uncommunicative. Try to approach the next few moments with empathy and patience. Remember - the big picture here is that your relationship with your teenager improves. That’s the forest. This individual piece of information or answer to your question is the tree. Keep looking at the big picture!

TWO: Create a safe and non-judgmental environment

I’ll be honest - I know I am supposed to be really touchy-feely as a therapist, but most of the time when someone talks about creating a “safe space” it makes me want to roll my eyes. I think we overuse the word “safe” when what we really mean is “comfortable.” But in this case - I want you to imagine that your words feel like very real threats to your teenager’s well-being. An extra pause, a sigh, language that is not 100% on their team can all be interpreted as criticism or judgment.

Even if you have the world’s best, most perfect, problem-solving advice that anyone has ever had - do not give it to them during this phase of the conversation. Just listen. Just listen!

Any possible lesson you could impart unto them can wait for 10 minutes. Just. Listen.

Remember that your number one job right now is to show them that they were right to open up to you, and you are their biggest supporter.

Start with empathetic, understanding phrases like, “It’s completely okay for you to feel like that,” and, “I completely understand how you’re feeling.”

THREE: Be available and present

Raise your hand if your teenager only ever wants to open up and talk…when it’s past midnight and you’re exhausted. Sound familiar? Yeah…it’s a thing. And you’re going to need to roll with it. When your teenager is ready to open up, take advantage of that window - even if it means being a little tired the next day or needing to reschedule that early morning appointment. Show your teen that you are available to be there for them.

That doesn’t mean it always needs to be deep and serious either - in fact, a tiny little bit of that goes a really long way! Instead - do as many lighthearted activities with your teens as possible.

Play a lot of video games with them! A LOT. MORE THAN THAT. Send them YouTube videos that made you think of them, and maybe they’ll send you some in return. Cook with them if they like that sort of thing. Offer to take them to get Starbucks. Provide the opportunities for the conversations, but don’t put pressure on those moments to be anything except a few minutes of light quality time.

FOUR: Avoid pressuring them

This ties in to what I’ve said above - you need like 50 lighthearted interactions for every single deep or poignant one. I know you want your teenager to use the opportunities provided to open up and share what’s going on with them, but any perceived pressure from you might make them feel uncomfortable and resistant. They know you’re there for them. And sometimes, that’s enough.

Pro tip: If you have a teen who physically withdraws to their room a lot, do not make a big deal with they emerge. Calling attention to that is needlessly embarrassing and self-defeating if you want more time with them! Just be matter of fact and warm, and include them!

FIVE: Model open communication

If you share your experiences, feelings, and how you thought or reasoned your way through difficult feelings, you can encourage your teenager to do the same.

Sharing your emotions helps others around you realize that it’s okay to match that and share their own.

Even better - find opportunities to talk about total strangers or fictional character feelings and drama!

When I was young, my mom and I would listen to talk radio as we drove, and some of the best conversations I had about how humans work and about relationships were based on analyzing the strangers that phoned in to the show.

Discussing parasocial relationships from social media can give you so much insight into how your teenager feels, and give a lot of opportunities for it to lead to them sharing with you.

SIX: Encourage other trusted adults

Sometimes, teens may feel more comfortable talking to someone other than their parents. Encourage this, my fine-feathered-friends. I know it can be hard sometimes to think that you can’t be everything you want to be for your teen. But I can’t tell you the number of clients I’ve had who absolutely adore their parents, but are aware that their parents hurt when they hurt.

They don’t want to hurt you even more.

Encourage your teenagers to seek support from trusted adults like coaches or therapists. Having a supportive network will be a gift that keeps on giving.

SEVEN: Respect their privacy

I wish this was a given. You have to respect their privacy in order to build trust. You need trust for open communication. You need open communication for a good relationship with your teen. Your teen needs a good relationship with you for safety and success.

Avoid prying into their personal space, avoid demanding details of their private life, avoid seeking answers from their friends or other avenues. If they choose to share something with you, honor their privacy and remember that trust is a gift. Don’t discuss what they’ve shared with you with others without getting their consent first.

EIGHT: Provide resources and support

We all learn differently, and we all process things in our own way. Remember that verbally discussing feelings is only one way. Give your teens the resources to process their feelings in lots of different ways. Give them journals, art supplies, access to music. Drive them to practices and workshops where they get to be with friends and mentors.

Help get them a therapist they vibe with *before* there’s a crisis, so they already are used to discussing their feelings with someone.

If your teen is resistant to therapy, try my online art group for teens!

Although it’s run by a licensed therapist(me) this group is only as deep as they are comfortable going. I provide an art prompt each week, and the teens can participate as much as they’d like - they don’t even need to be on camera!

NINE: Play the long game

Be patient. Building trust and encouraging communication, especially with someone who feels vulnerable, takes time.

Your support needs to be a gift, not a transactional item. Your teen doesn’t need to earn your support with minutes of speaking with you.

It’s your job as the adult to keep the lines of communication open, have an easy route to access you, and be there whenever they need to talk.

When they do share something, even if it feels kind of trivial, recognize those moments as the gift from your teenager that they are. Collect them like beads on a bracelet.

Gather those moments sweetly and remember that helping your teenager communicate their struggles is an ongoing process that requires patience, empathy, understanding, and persistence.

How Can I Help My Teen Manage Their Strong Emotions?

Sun, 04 Aug 2024 18:17:00 GMT

"You're like trying to take a drink from a fire hose."

The year was 2000ish. I was in my teens. A friend I adored gave me this forthright personality assessment one night after I had been staying with her for a few weeks one summer. We had been writing poetry and making zines. Exploring her town by bus with journals in our bags. She knew me better than anyone. I trusted what she said to me.

A bit of fear clenched my stomach. I knew I was a “too much” person. I’d heard the warnings in the adult voices around me my whole life. I knew the phrase, “if I give you an inch…” and knew I was a mile-taker. As a kid I used ALL the supplies. I sang loudly. I careened through my life with energy and intensity and vibrancy - and thanks to the Herculean efforts of my parents, I mostly felt acceptance of my big feelings and big self.

But it wasn’t always comfortable being me, all that color and emotion and songs to sing in one brain and one body. I knew I talked over people. I knew I took up more than my fair share of air space in a conversation. I knew that other people’s brains didn’t look like an advertisement for a maximilist’s art gallery on steroids.

When my bestie told me I was like trying to take a drink from a fire hose, I felt the familiar, “uh oh” sinking feeling. Was I about to find out I was too much for another friend? Had I been wrong about how much of myself I could be with her? She’d been witness to the bulk of my teenage, hormone-fueled decisions, loves and losses, plans and let-downs.

I think about that moment, and that friend (don’t worry - still great friends even after decades!) every time I get to work with another teen who tells me, with worry in their eyes about how big their feelings are. About how they don’t think anyone can handle it. About how they don't even know how to handle their own big feelings. I think about my poetry-writing-song-singing-painting-traveling-expressing-experimenting-mistake-making self every time another parent comes to me with the fear that they won’t be able to help guide their teenager through all the big stuff that’s happening.

“How can I help my teenager handle their big emotions?” is a question I get a lot.

Adolescence is undeniably a time of big ups and downs, changes that seem to happen overnight, huge upsets and dynamics within social circles, and of course - big feelings. When your teens feel overwhelmed, how do you help them manage their emotions in a healthy way? It can be challenging to be a parent watching your teen go through these highs and lows. This blog covers a few strategies to

help you navigate your teenager's big emotions

ONE: You don’t need to attend every party you’re invited to

Let me start with the number one skill I wish I could bottle and hand out to parents of teenagers: loving detachment.

Just because your teenager is riding a roller coaster, does not mean you need to be in the seat beside them.

Just because your teenager is experiencing the highs of The Best Day Ever or deep in the throes of desperate despair does not mean you need to be their on-the-ground correspondent.

Your teens get to have all their feelings, but you do not need to make them your own. In fact, please don’t.

Think about the last time you were mad about something. Let’s say you dealt with a particularly frustrating customer service encounter that’s left you steaming. If you go to your significant other to offload and express your irritation, and they jump in and become as angry as you are - almost like getting under the umbrella you’re holding in the rain - it sort of dilutes your feeling, doesn’t it?

Suddenly it’s also about their feelings. Rather than feeling supported and validated by that person, you are now paying attention to their feelings as well as your own.

There’s a time and place for this, sure, especially if the anger-making-situation equally involved both of you. But if the frustrating circumstance was yours, and they come in and match your big feelings equally, it can leave you feeling like a sneeze that got stolen. Kind of unsatisfied. Like you didn’t get the chance to feel the feeling fully.

This applies, unfortunately, to positive feelings as well. I often see parents get so invested in their kids' happiness that they hold onto things longer than their teenagers. I remember a friend of mine who was so invested in her daughter’s first love that she made it much harder for her teen to break up with him when it was appropriate and healthy to do so - because her daughter was worried about disappointing her mom.

If you need help remembering how to have some detachment when your teenager is having big feelings - try this visualization on page 23 of my Parenting Guide.

TWO: Outlets. Give them all the outlets.

When I say help provide outlets for your teens emotions, I don’t mean just give them a journal. I mean your teenagers might need a ridiculous, extreme, over the top number and variety of catharsis and expressive emotional outlets and that’s normal and okay. Not every kid is going to be like me when I was a teenager, but just to give you a little glimpse - here is a non-exhaustive list of some of the ways my emotional needs were managed as a teenager.

Expressive outlets

I wrote poetry, a lot. On my own, with friends, in journals, online, in the sand, on car windshields, in workshops, on my pants with sharpies, in letters, book margins, and more.

Painted - I painted huge canvases that took over our living room, the walls of my bedroom, the furniture in my room, in my journal, and more. I water colored on public transportation, filled the house with the smell of oil paints, used acrylics and more.

All the art - printmaking, some OG digital art where I took self portraits and altered them in old basic paint programs, made jewelry, altered books, ceramics, collage (oh my collage! The walls of my room were covered in huge poster board collages!) I made hundreds of zines, developed my own photographs…

Appearance was a form of art as well - I dyed my hair weekly, for awhile there. Painted my converse with silver glitter paint. Wrote poetry on my pants, sewed squares together to make quilted skirts… A teenager’s hair and clothing is a piece of their emotional expression, and boy did I emote out loud.

If your teen could benefit from more creative outlets with a low-pressure social network, check out my online art group for teens! Each week I provide a prompt designed for identity-exploration, and teens are encouraged to put their own spin on it.

Physical outlets

While I was making all this art, it also became clear that I needed a physical release too.

I loved to swim, and getting on a swim team was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Yes, there is a lot of benefit to the exercise, but it was also the tactile experience of being in water that's healthy for me. It also provided me with a tool that I use as an adult - when I need a change of mentality, I use water. If I can jump in a pool, great. If I am limited to a shower, I do that. Even washing my face or drinking a glass can be helpful when done with intent. There’s some interesting research about how cold water helps regulate the nervous system - don't forget, physical outlets do not need to equal exercise.

I performed quite a lot, in choirs and Shakespearean theater groups. I took improv workshops, helped behind the scenes at a lot of local theaters.

I was never going to be the kind of person who sat tall and took slow, meditative deep breaths. But I was the kind of person to sing, and sing a lot. Years later, as I was taking classes to prepare for the birth of my first child, the instructor shared how singing can help with nervous system regulation, manage pain, decrease the stress hormone (cortisol), and increase oxytocin in our brains.

When your teen hides away on their headphones, remember that listening to music is a vital part of emotional regulation.

Even if they aren’t singing, listening to music can release dopamine and other important neurotransmitters for emotional health and well-being.

THREE: Relationships Matter

Friendships, family, and romantic relationships might sometimes seem like a source of some of the big feelings, but they are also a very important part of emotional well-being. The job of being a teenager is to figure yourself out. This can be a place of discord for lots of teens and parents, because it can feel like your teenager is rejecting you and your values (see emotional detachment in part 1) - but remember that this is an important and healthy stage of development.

Teens need to have a lot of relationships with a lot of other people, to learn social and interpersonal skills, to figure themselves out, and also as a way to have a lot of practice having a lot of feelings and living through them.

Try to help facilitate relationships for your teenager that give them a secure safety network of people who can listen to them, be there for them, and even mentor them.

This support circle can include friends, relatives, people of all ages - and professionals. If your teen indicates that they are feeling particularly overwhelmed by their feelings, or needs a place where they know for certain that it’s safe to be themselves and express their emotions, then lucky for everyone, that’s what therapy is there for.

Especially if you notice persistent signs of distress, such as severe anxiety, depression, or changes in behavior, consider seeking professional help. A therapist can provide valuable tools and support to help your teen navigate their emotions.

Helping your teen manage their strong emotions requires patience, understanding, and consistency.

By being empathetic to their plights while maintaining some personal detachment, fostering as many healthy outlets as you can, and supporting their independence and positive relationships, you can help your teenager grow into an emotionally healthy adult. You can help your teen develop the tools they need to navigate their emotions that will carry them through into adulthood.

Navigating the Teenage Years: Understanding and Managing Boundary-Pushing Behavior

Fri, 28 Jun 2024 02:00:26 GMT

why does your teen push your buttons? how do you navigate boundaries with your teenager? Read more to find out!

Once upon a time, a teenage Roya climbed out of her bedroom window in the dark of the night.

This sounds dramatic - but it was the first floor and there was a garden hose box right below, which made for a very easy step. Once I hit the ground, I ran barefoot across the front lawn to the front door and knocked on it. When my very confused father opened it I said, “I don’t WANT to sneak out but I just wanted you to know I COULD.”

As parents, we often feel like our teens are constantly testing the limits, pushing boundaries just to see how far they can go. This behavior can be challenging and sometimes frustrating, and it is hard not to take it personally. It’s so important for parents to remember that pushing boundaries is a natural part of adolescence.

Understanding why teens push boundaries and learning how to manage this behavior effectively can help maintain a healthy parent-teen relationship and guide your teenager towards responsible adulthood. Figuring out how to be on your teen’s team as they do this very healthy developmental task will also mean you can protect your relationship with them - which is ultimately the most important thing for their safety and success.

Why Do Teens Push Boundaries?

1. Seeking Independence

Do you remember when your teen was three years old and they wanted to “do it myself” all the time? No way they’d let you pour a bowl of cereal and give it to them - they’d grab the cereal box so that cheerios scatter across the floor. They’d spill more milk on the counter than would get in the bowl. Beyond breakfast, they’ll put shoes on the wrong feet, dress themselves inside out and backwards, try to paint the coffee table with honey (ask me how I know), and generally make chaos and mess all for the sake of autonomy and independence.

When they’re toddlers we try to give them as much autonomy as they can because we understand that they’re building motor skills and their own sense of self is beginning to assert itself. It’s an important part of a kid feeling capable, even if it’s a constant mess for us to clean up.

Teenagers are doing the same thing - just a decade older, the chaos and mess are more sophisticated (and a little scarier).

Teenagers are in a developmental stage where they are striving for independence. It’s their task at this age to figure out their own identity, which means they need to assert their autonomy, which means they need to push up against boundaries and expectations that others have placed on them.

Boundary pushing helps them learn about their limits, understand consequences, and ultimately understand their own wants and needs.

2. Brain Development

When your toddler first started learning to speak, did they say every word correctly? Nope. They had cute little mistakes that went down in the family lore, right? They’d switch letters around, make up combinations of words - because their brains were still developing and they were taking in a LOT of information.

Similarly, the teenage brain is still developing, particularly the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for decision-making, impulse control, and understanding consequences.

Think back on your own teenage years - lots of adults mention how they felt like an entirely different person back then. Of course you did - your brain wasn’t done yet. This development phase can lead to risk-taking behavior and testing boundaries - and it’s important to remember that this too, is healthy and normal and part of growing up.

3. Peer Influence

The idea of peer influence isn’t a little known secret - but we often talk about peer pressure as purely a negative. In fact, caring deeply about what friends think is also a very normal and healthy part of development.

At this stage of life, teens are trying to differentiate themselves from their families, but they still want belonging. They are figuring out where they can find others like them - it’s like holding up a whole group full of mirrors in order to see themselves and their values, wants, and needs reflected back at themselves.

It makes sense that teens would be influenced by their peers. It also makes sense that they might prioritize those connections over parental or familial ones. They might push back against parent-set boundaries in order to gain acceptance by their peers - but sometimes it might not even be done consciously.

Check out this 30 minute webinar for parents on helping their teens navigate their big feelings. This is often where parents get triggered and this webinar gives you practical tools for handling that!

4. Curiosity and Experimentation

Discovering who you are is the whole point of being a teenager. Adolescence is a time of exploration . Teens are naturally curious and may push boundaries as a way to experiment and discover new things about themselves and the world around them. I can’t even tell you the number of teens I have worked with who decide to become vegetarian, after eating meat their whole life - and vice versa. Teens who grew up in vegetarian households do the opposite! They try out different political beliefs from their parents, they dive deep into music, into scenes, into aesthetics.

It can be hard for parents to keep up with this sort of experimentation, but it’s part of figuring yourself out. Because this kind of experimentation can often go directly in opposition to a parent’s value system , it can be extra hard to remember that it isn’t about you. It’s about them. It’s about them figuring out who they are - and sometimes they have to swing the pendulum to the extreme farthest distance away from where they came from to figure that out.

In yet another how-toddlers-are-just-like-your-teenager-example, when my sister was 5, she would come out to the living room every day and declare which fairytale character she was. We weren’t allowed to call her anything else, only Cinderella or Snow White, or Red Riding Hood, or whichever person she was embodying that day.

Teenagers are doing the same sort of trying-on-make-believe-characters, except - it’s not exactly playing pretend. They are trying on the mantle of who they could be. Sometimes it takes a full-bodied decision about who you are right now to learn about who that person is and if you want to keep being them. Just like my little sister, your teen might decide to try something new the next day.

Parents will sometimes tell me, “I don’t recognize my kid anymore” when their teen starts doing some of this boundary-pushing behavior. I give a lot of examples of how their teenage-hood is similar to toddler-hood, because I think it’s easier to recognize your child in their new teenage behavior when you remember this isn’t the first time they’ve pushed your buttons and boundaries. I want parents to also remember that it’s a time that teenagers don’t always recognize themselves either. Big changes happen in the teenage years - not just physically, but their social and emotional worlds can change in moments.

If you’re full up with understanding the why behind their boundary-pushing behavior and want to know how to be the best parent you can be while keeping your relationship at the forefront - you’ll find helpful exercises and practical tools in this 20+ Parenting Guide to Navigating Launch Anxiety available as an instant download here!

More tools for parents of teens

How to Address your Teen’s Bad Behavior (without resorting to punishment)

Fri, 28 Jun 2024 01:34:03 GMT

Struggling to find constructive ways to address your teen's behavior without resorting to punishment? Read more!

Once upon a time, I spent 3 hours on the phone with my long distance boyfriend, and when I looked up - I had literally pulled apart a couch.

I kid you not - I had started by pulling a thread, which led to tugging at some more fabric… and completely and totally unconsciously, I unraveled An Entire Couch.

It wasn’t malicious. It wasn’t on purpose. But was it okay? Not so much. Would most people believe me that I didn’t recognize at some point during those hours that what I was doing was destructive? Also not so much. But I promise you, everyone reading this, and my parents - I was completely oblivious to what I was doing until I hung the phone up and saw with non-distracted eyes.

There wasn’t a parenting book that told my folks how to handle it when their 15 year old accidentally destroyed property. There wasn’t really a guide that covered how to handle it when I decided at 2am to rip up my ugly orange carpet and glue tiny gemstones to my floor. Or when I decided to cover my dresser in stickers. Or do any number of pretty thoughtless things to our house, my room, my clothing, and my hair.

The teen years are tumultuous - we hear that word a lot. For parents AND teens it can feel like traveling uncharted waters. We’ve got the teenagers figuring themselves out - asserting independence and testing boundaries. We have the parents grappling for effective strategies to address challenging behaviors. There can be heightened feelings, more conflict, and the stakes feel so high. While punishment may seem like a quick and necessary fix, teenage-Roya and adult-therapist-Roya would like to remind you that there are more constructive approaches to handling your teen’s challenging behaviors.

These alternatives to punishment can foster deeper connections, enable much better communication, and help your teens learn and grow the way you really want them to.

1. First Things First: Work to Understand Teen Behavior

Okay so just so we are all on the same page - adolescence is a time of immense change. Remember how quickly your kids seemed to move through milestones when they were infants? One day they were teeny tiny humans, and the next they were walking and talking?

Becoming a teenager is so similar in the physical and emotional growth that is happening. Not to mention there are more external demands - such as the pressure of figuring out college, the stress of ever-changing friendship dynamics, and building the self-esteem to take on challenges like job interviews.

Parents - we need to remember that, just like when a toddler throws a temper tantrum, many “bad” behaviors exhibited by teens are expressions of underlying needs, emotions, or struggles.

It can be hard in the moment to remember that behavior is communication. But that really is our job as parents and as grown-ups. Take a step back from any situation and look for the subtext. In the case of Roya and the Couch That Didn’t Make It - the adult might recognize that that action communicated how important my relationships were, how deeply invested I could be – and how maybe a fidget toy or two would be a good thing.

2. Second Things Second: They Have to be Able to Talk to You

Understanding behavior has to come first, because there will be plenty of times you need to be truly, deeply empathetic in order to keep lines of communication open between you and your teenager.

If the root cause of their behavior has to do with anxiety, pressure, stress, fear, worry, confusion, doubt, grief, loss, anger… or any other scary negative emotion, they will need you. And they’ll need you to be there to listen to the actual problem, not be caught up in how they poorly communicated it to you to begin with. Your job is to create an open door, a bridge to your kid. Active listening, validation, empathy - and a lack of judgment about the initial bad behavior can go a long way to build trust and communication between you.

3. Third the Nerd: Ownership is Not the Same Thing As Consequences

If your teen’s behavior led to A Bad Thing, it’s okay to address that in its own right. It was okay for my parents to expect that their furniture wouldn’t be destroyed because I got a little distracted, and for us to address the fact that it did happen.

It’s okay for you to expect members of your household to operate in ways that aren’t hurtful or harmful to people, places, or things. Setting clear expectations is a good start, but even more important is for teenager’s to feel some ownership over fixing the issue. It’s not the same thing as punishment.

You facilitate being on the same team - and that team has a problem to fix. Collaborate with your teen on possible solutions - both on how to fix the current wrong, and how to prevent it from happening again. Create a situation where everyone is invested in the rationale behind family expectations.

4. No Clever Way to Say Fourth: Look for the Good!

Make sure you pay attention to how your teenager is around other folks. Do you get feedback from teachers or coaches about how they try hard? Do they show responsibility in classes or workshops by putting away their tools, or do little kids look up to them?

So often our teenagers show their best selves in other places away from us. Search out and take in the positive feedback from other sources, because it counts.

Your teenagers are working hard, and sometimes bad behavior surfaces at home because they can let their guard down. But those other helpful, hardworking, polite versions of themselves are real too - and those qualities will keep growing. Celebrate them, show appreciation for them, and they’ll show up in more and more spaces.

5. Fifth and Finally: Seek Support

In some cases, despite our best efforts, addressing teen behavior may require professional intervention. Can I tell you a secret? You don’t have to wait until you’re absolutely desperate to seek guidance from a therapist or professional resource .

The families I work with often have great, loving relationships that have just gotten more challenging during the teenage years – and it’s *because* your teens love their parents that they don’t want to open up and share things with you. Sometimes they are worried that their fears or worries will cause their parents pain. That’s a perfect time to get insight, strategies, and support for your family.

As one of those professionals, I have two resources I think you’ll really appreciate.

Go here to sign up for my free guide for navigating adulting anxieties, and check out my 5 week workshop series Lift Off to Adulthood!

Both the guide and the workshop series are full of helpful, actionable exercises for parents of teenagers to help decrease anxiety, increase communication, and help with everybody’s self-esteem.

Punishment is so rarely the helpful choice. Remember, parenting is a journey filled with challenges and triumphs, and every effort you make to connect with your teen lays the foundation for a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.

More tools for parents of teens

Now that we've explored some of the key differences between parenting teens and younger children check out your own FREE Parenting Guide to Navigating the Lift Off to Adulthood!

7 Ways Parenting Changes During the Teen Years

Tue, 25 Jun 2024 05:07:29 GMT

Parenting is a demanding and complex task, and just as you think you mayyyybe have a handle on it - they grow and develop and suddenly everything changes!

Here are some of the key differences between parenting teens and younger children.

Parenting teenagers is different than parenting younger children in many ways, and it requires a unique set of skills and strategies. In this blog post, we will explore these differences and provide some tips for parents who are navigating this challenging and exciting stage of parenthood.

1. Communication is Key

One of the most significant differences between parenting teens and younger children is communication. As children enter their teenage years, they begin to assert their independence and develop their own identities. They may become less willing to listen to their parents and more interested in talking to their peers. THIS IS HEALTHY! THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO DO THIS!

To effectively communicate with teens, parents must be willing to listen and be open-minded. They should avoid being judgmental and instead strive to understand their child's perspective. Parents should also encourage their teens to express their thoughts and feelings and be willing to engage in discussions about sensitive or challenging topics. Parents: meet them where they're at. Seriously. If you want them to be open, you gotta be willing to hear things you don't love, or to look for the good in their favorite YouTubers, musicians, and video games.

If you struggle with the amount of TV they watch, check out this post about why kids want to watch the same thing over and over again!

2. Setting Clear Boundaries

Another difference between parenting teens and younger children is the need for boundaries. While you might feel that younger children may require more structure and rules to help them feel secure, teenagers need space to explore their independence and make their own decisions. Even things that feel like BAD decisions need to be theirs to make!

However, this does not mean that parents should abandon all rules and boundaries. Instead, parents should work with their teens to work towards a shared vision of how you ALL want your family and life to look like. Use their input! Ask for their expertise! It's your job as the adult to trust them more and more in the decision-making process. Big picture conversations about goals and principles are so much more helpful than rigid rules and consequences.

3. Teaching Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation is another significant difference between parenting teens and younger children. While younger children may be more emotional and easily overwhelmed, teens often struggle with regulating their emotions in a healthy way.

Parents can help their teens learn how to manage their emotions by modeling healthy coping strategies, such as using game play as catharsis and an emotional outlet - here is a post about a great visualization for parents! They can also encourage their teens to seek professional support if they are struggling with anxiety, depression, or other mental health challenges.

4. Navigating Peer Pressure

Peer pressure is a common concern for parents of teenagers. As teens become more independent, they may be more susceptible to the influence of their peers.

To help teens resist negative peer pressure, parents need to earn credit with their kids - which happens in small ways every day. Help your kids trust THEMSELVES and they will be more likely to develop positive social connections. This means allowing your teens to make decisions on how they spend their time, what they watch, what they eat, and what they do. You need to show you trust them so they trust themselves.

Bonus: If they know you trust them and they trust you - when you ask them to think critically about some one, they are less likely to dismiss it!

5. Understanding Technology Use

Technology is a significant difference between parenting teens and younger children. Today's teens are growing up in a world where technology is an integral part of their daily lives, and parents must be aware of the potential risks and benefits of technology use.

To help teens navigate technology use, please remember that phones, tablets, computers and TVs are all just tools! They are helpful tools for teens to get the social connection and group belonging that is so important for them at this age. Remember that there is no such thing as "enough time" for teenagers - they need an abundance of sleep, of friend time, and of cocooning time. Here's a post answering your questions about how much YouTube kids should watch!

6. Encouraging Responsibility

As teens approach adulthood, they need to take on more responsibility for their actions and decisions. Parents can support their teens in this process by giving them opportunities to make choices and learn from their mistakes. But please remember parents - it's not about setting your teenagers up for mistakes they can learn from. It's about helping them feel like they matter.

Parents should provide guidance and support to facilitate their teens having opportunities where they have an actual real, responsible role. Where they can see their contribution, and how they can make an impact.

7. Embracing Independence

Finally, independence is a critical difference between parenting teens and younger children. As teens become more independent, parents must learn how to let go and trust their teens to make their own decisions.

This can be challenging for parents who are used to being in control. However, it's essential to recognize that letting go is a natural part of the parenting process and that teens need space to grow and develop.

But your teens, and even your young adult children, will always need you. This is why establishing a relationship where you enjoy each other, play games, and have fun is so important. Because even while they are out becoming more and more independent - you can still enjoy kicking their butts at Mario Kart, sending funny TikToks, and being the person they come to when they need help or just want to hang out.

More tools for parents of teens

Now that we've explored some of the key differences between parenting teens and younger children check out your own FREE Parenting Guide to Navigating the Lift Off to Adulthood!

Launch Anxiety

Should I Make My Teens Attend Family Holiday Gatherings?

Should I Make My Teens Attend Family Holiday Gatherings?

Why Teens Push Back on Holiday Gatherings

1. Exhausted

2. Differentiating

3. Overstimulated

4. Prioritizing Peers

5. Needing Control

Building the Relationship BEFORE the Holidays

The Power of Compromise

What Not to Do

Recognizing Differentiation as Healthy

When to Hold the Line

Real-Life Scenarios Parents Face

Sample Scripts You Can Use

Reframing Success

A Personal Note

Final Thoughts

Want More Support?

What to Do If You Think Your Teen Is Being Emotionally Manipulated by a Friend

what to do if I think my teen is being emotionally manipulated by a friend?

Recognizing Signs of Emotional Manipulation

Common Signs that your Teen may be Manipulated by a Friend:

How to Approach the Situation

1. Observe and Gather Information

2. Create a Safe Space for Conversation

3. Listen Without Judgment

4. Encourage Self AND Community Care

5. Be Patient and Respect Their Choices

Should I Cook for My Teens or Should They Cook for Themselves?

Should I be cooking for my teenager, or should they start cooking for themselves?

Your Teen Needs Life Skills (and Feeding Themselves is a Big One)

It’s Not About Making Them Self-Sufficient Overnight

Why Cooking for Themselves Builds Confidence

But Should You Stop Cooking for Them?

Set Some Expectations: It’s Time for Shared Responsibility…Kind of.

What About the "I Don’t Know How to Cook" Excuse?

Final Thoughts: Cooking Is About More Than Food

My Teenager Thinks the World Is Depressing — How Can I Give Them Hope?

If you've got a teen at home who is constantly saying the world is depressing, you're not alone.

Acknowledge Their Feelings (Don’t Brush Them Off)

Encourage Real Conversations About What’s Bothering Them

Help Them Find Purpose

Discuss Screen Time & Media

Show Them Hope Through Action

Focus on Their Strengths

Be Honest About Your Own Struggles

Offer Professional Help When Needed

For teens who are resistant to traditional therapy: try my online art and writing group for teens. No pressure to show up on camera, open-ended art prompts designed to help them know themselves better and better. ﻿

Final Thoughts: You Don’t Have to Have All the Answers

Anxiety During the Teen Years: Resources for Parents

Anxiety in kids and teenagers is rising.

t ools for teens with anxiety

Sign up below and your 40+ page downloadable workbook for parents will be delivered to your inbox!

More tools for parents of teens

How to "Show, Not Tell" Your Teens That You Believe in Them

"actions speak louder than words."

ZERO - Examine yourself

ONE: Encourage Their Interests and Passions

TWO: Give them responsibilities

THREE: Listen Actively and Empathically

FOUR: Celebrate their achievements, big and small

FIVE: Allow them to make mistakes

SIX: Set high, but realistic expectations

SEVEN: Support their independence

EIGHT: Be consistent in your support

NINE: Encourage open communication

TEN: Model confidence and positivity

Dealing with Your Teen's Reluctance to Share Their Struggles or Seek Support

“How was school today?” “Are you okay?” “Is something wrong?”

ONE: Remember that it's (probably) not about you.

TWO: Create a safe and non-judgmental environment

THREE: Be available and present

FOUR: Avoid pressuring them ﻿

FIVE: Model open communication

SIX: Encourage other trusted adults

SEVEN: Respect their privacy

EIGHT: Provide resources and support

If your teen is resistant to therapy, try my online art group for teens!

For teens who are resistant to traditional therapy: try my online art and writing group for teens. No pressure to show up on camera, open-ended art prompts designed to help them know themselves better and better.

FOUR: Avoid pressuring them

Parenting is a demanding and complex task, and just as you think you mayyyybe have a handle on it - they grow and develop and suddenly everything changes!

Here are some of the key differences between parenting teens and younger children.